LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE THE HUMIDITY IS RISING INSIDE THIS STUDIO AND MY T-SHIRT HAS TURNED INTO A WET RAG THAT SQUISHES WHEN IT TOUCHES SKIN SO PLEASE UNDERSTAND I AM DOING MY BEST BUT GOD HELP US ALL VICTOR WEMBANYAMA IS TRYING TO CLAIM THE MVP LIKE HE OWNS THE WHOLE LEAGUE AND WE ARE TALKING ABOUT ONE OF OUR OWN FROM SAN ANTONIO WHO HAS A BLOCK RECORD THAT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY INTO MY STRIPED JERSEY. I am Ry-Guy and I have spent twenty years sweating through polyester blends in the worst gyms from Mukwonago to Milwaukee where the floors are sticky with spilled Gatorade that turns into glue when it hits dust bunnies on a Tuesday night after school. This is not about points or rebounds because anyone can box score if you have legs and ambition but this is about presence like standing over someone at Kwik Trip while they buy an ICEE and asking them for their receipt just to see what kind of day they had with the manager Michael-Vincent who works there on Fridays.
I am looking at these stats again because I keep staring at a computer screen that glares back at me like it knows my sins from 2013 when I blew a call during overtime in Appleton and now here we are discussing if Wembanyama is worthy of the highest honor while Shai Gilgeous-Alexander sits there smiling with his MVP ring looking like he got away with murder on a Tuesday afternoon. I need you to understand that for twenty years I have seen men get blown up for pushing off when they should be guarding and women getting called for traveling when they are just shifting their weight under pressure but this is basketball so we pretend the hands move naturally even though my knuckles ache remembering how hard it was to keep my arms down while a guy named Blake from Oak Creek tried to dunk over me in practice back in 2019. I remember that day clearly because it rained and Michael-Vincent showed up with a box of donuts we were supposed to eat but he ate them all anyway and now here is Victor Wembanyama telling us defense counts for fifty percent even though referees like myself know the only thing that counts when you are in front of the crowd is who screams loudest about who scored what point.
I want to talk about this because I am sweating so much right now that my eyes feel gritty and I just checked a mirror above my monitor which showed me sweat dripping off my nose onto the table surface where it pooled like a small lake you might find in northern Wisconsin during spring thaw time when we are all trying to get back on our bikes after sitting inside for four months of cold air. There was once a guy named Hank who played center for Oak Creek High School and he blocked shots with his eyes mostly because the ref just couldn’t see him move fast enough but Wemby is different because this kid has wings that span wider than a pickup truck and it makes me question why we let people vote on awards when they haven’t seen a single practice session where I had to stand in the corner holding my stopwatch until 8 PM at night waiting for someone named Blake who was supposed to be there but didn’t show up because he overslept. It is ridiculous that the Spurs are talking about winning the division title while we discuss if this guy deserves an award that basically says you were better than everyone else even when they have a longer resume or a more expensive car driving home after games in downtown Houston where I once saw Michael-Vincent trying to find parking for his truck and ending up in a lot full of cows which is impossible but he insists it happened because he gets confused by signs.
I need to digress here because my mind keeps wandering back to the time I was working sideline duty at a high school game where we had three referees and one guy fell asleep on the bench during halftime so he got woken up with a buzzer while wearing his sneakers which were too tight for him but that is how sports work sometimes you just have to accept it. Wemby says there should be no debate by end of season because I think right now there is a debate and this makes me feel angry inside my stomach like when you eat something spicy at Culver’s without getting the milk first which ruins everything for your palate even if it tastes good in theory but hurts in practice so let us talk about why we care. The Spurs are going to be number one or two seed and I look at that list of names Kareem Hakeem Shaq Patrick Ewing David Robinson who all have done this before yet Wembanyama is doing it for a franchise that lost their way until they got the big guy back from France like he brought magic dust with him in his luggage while we are all here talking about 65 games played or not.
This brings me to my previous take on the robot umpires and ball-and-strike zones where I screamed at you because this is exactly what it feels like when a human tries to judge something that should be mechanical but instead relies on who shouted louder in the room first so let us look back at 2019 where I wrote about those machines being useless for checking balls outside of zone and now we are saying if Wemby scores thirty points against him does he win or do you just look at his height which is seven feet four inches. That makes me question why anyone plays basketball because the tallest guy usually wins unless they have no legs but this kid has wings so let us talk about how that affects MVP voting like it matters when we are trying to determine who is most valuable by looking at a box score written in crayon on paper from 1998. I am sweating more now because my shirt feels sticky and wet against the chair back and I need a break but there will be no break because this story needs to finish about how Wembanyama says he wants no debate which means he thinks we are stupid for debating anything at all so let us talk about why Shai is better or worse than Wemby even though they both play basketball in the same city sometimes.
I recall a game from ten years ago where Blake was playing point guard and he turned the ball over three times because his fingers were too slippery after eating butter chicken wings but we never saw it on TV so people say it is okay to be inconsistent while Wemby blocks shots consistently which means my life has changed forever by watching one person play defense better than anyone else in history so let us talk about how that compares. The argument he makes is offense impact not just points and this sounds like when you try to explain physics to a kid who only understands kicking the ball down field because they are too young but now I am talking about why we need 65 games minimum for awards which is confusing logic because my neighbor says if you miss three weeks of work do you still get paid or not so how does voting work when players sit out.
This brings up a point that Michael-Vincent made to me last week at the diner where he was sitting across from Blake with two coffee cups on the table and we talked about why rules exist for NBA awards like they are laws written by Congress in Washington DC instead of just people yelling opinions on Twitter so I need you to understand my logic here. If Wembanyama sits out three more games he falls off ballot because there is a rule that says players cannot miss too many days and then we have Nikola Jokic who can sit one more time before getting cut from the vote like they are cutting cheese at Culver’s for someone named Michael-Vincent who eats it all up without asking. This confuses me because I thought awards were about what you did when you played but now they care about how many games you sat out while people argued in a locker room full of mirrors and water bottles so we must be very careful with our words here today.
The Spurs coach says Wembanyama is close to winning it all and this statement comes from Mitch Johnson who gets to see him practice every morning which sounds like he has better vision than me because I am sweating through my glasses right now trying to read the stats on a screen that reflects back at me with no sweat spots but maybe there are. The argument about defense being undervalued is something I agree with since I spent twenty years calling fouls where nobody saw them until someone screamed and then suddenly everyone knew what happened which means Wemby could be better because he blocks shots in the paint like a man who owns that territory legally so let us talk about why this matters more than scoring. He has 3.0 blocks per game which is insane for anyone over thirty but he plays for twenty-four minutes and I look at his number of assists being three point zero again while we discuss if points matter less when defense wins championships like it does in the Midwest where people fix their own fences instead of calling a contractor to do work on Monday morning.
I need to tell you about my cousin who works at Kwik Trip and he told me that Wembanyama needs a special card because they have too many items now for one person with his size so let us discuss how this affects the MVP vote if we are talking about impact versus points like I said earlier in my rant when I got angry at someone named Blake who missed a shot but blamed it on the floor being slippery. This is not just basketball anymore because you have to care about marketing dollars and brand deals which makes me question why anyone cares unless they want more money so let us go back to Wemby saying he wants no debate like he owns the room even though I own this broadcast booth with my striped shirt on top of a table that smells like old soda.
There is a moment from last week where Michael-Vincent was at Culver’s eating a frozen custard and asked me if I thought the Spurs were winning too much for someone who only joined two years ago which made sense to him because he grew up in this city watching the Brewers fail but Wemby makes them win so let us discuss why his presence is unique compared to other stars like Doncic or Giannis who we know well from TV shows on ESPN. I am sweating through my neck and collar now as if there was a leak in the pipe system that sprayed water all over me while I sat here waiting for this broadcast to start but instead of stopping I continue because I must get 20
One-Ry Out.