The sweat is dripping off my nose and landing right here in the keyboard tray but I am too hot to move because the air conditioning at this draft viewing spot has been broken since 2017 when we had that heatwave during the Brewers playoffs and everyone forgot how windows work. It is just me sweating through my shirt while watching these prospects on a screen that flickers like a dying fluorescent light in the basement of Kwik Trip near Oconomowoc where I used to buy beef jerky for six dollars before it went up eight dollars last year so now we are paying premium prices for cheap food and worse yet premium anxiety about whether AJ Dybantsa is going to turn into LeBron James or just a really tall guy who can jump high on the beach. This is my job as an official with twenty years in the game which means I have seen every kind of foul imaginable from a loose ball violation to someone trying to sell me insurance under their breath at halftime but now I am watching grown men stand around talking about prospects like they are buying used cars and not human beings who will eventually grow out of all these braces and pads.
Let’s start with Darryn Peterson because the man is having a season that looks like it was written by someone on drugs or maybe just really into protein shakes mixed with cold brew coffee at Culver’s before a game instead of eating something healthy like cheese curds or fries dipped in hot sauce which would have kept him fueled but instead he cramps up and I know this because my brother got the same way when he played high school basketball after drinking too much Kona Ice slushies during halftime so everyone just thinks it is weakness but really it is your body screaming that you are overextending. The report says Peterson had a full-body episode in preseason which sounds like something that happens to horses or cows getting vaccinated for brucellosis and I am an officiating veteran not a vet doctor but I still know when someone’s legs feel heavy as lead boots filled with wet sand during overtime of the regional finals back in 2014.
This connects directly to my past take from The Great Referee Strike of 2019 where I explained why referees are actually just professional actors pretending not to be bored and how cramping is a metaphor for our union failing to negotiate better health insurance but that story ended abruptly because the strike was called off after someone brought in three thousand dollars worth of donuts so let us get back to Peterson who averaged twenty points but shot thirty-eight percent which means he missed more shots than I miss when throwing darts at a board while drunk on cheap wine before my wife took it away last Christmas. The positive development is that he has been available over the past month which makes me think about how availability in this draft process works like getting a job after losing weight from eating too many cheese curds but still needing to fix your back so teams want to know if they are getting the dynamic downhill athlete or just another guy who shoots and runs out of steam before the buzzer because he forgot to eat lunch.
Then you have AJ Dybantsa playing at BYU and this kid is going hard like a man possessed by the spirit of every basketball player from Wisconsin who ever tried to run through their own parents house after making three free throws in overtime without breaking anything or hitting anyone but still managed to do both which makes me wonder if he actually has superpowers hidden inside his jersey because playing every minute and finishing with thirty seven points on twenty five shots sounds like a video game glitch where the developer forgot to put limits on stamina bars. The loss to Texas was heartbreaking for him personally since BYU had been fighting an uphill battle to win games but you cannot deny that he kept pushing until his legs gave out which is commendable in my book even if I do not know anything about basketball beyond calling fouls and handing over the ball when someone steps on a line.
Speaking of stepping on lines we need to talk about Cameron Boozer because there are varying opinions on the aesthetics of his game but little argument around the results he achieves which sounds like people debating whether my tie is too short or just wrong for the season without caring that I actually own three more ties at home in a drawer full of lint and dust. The scout says he boasts the strongest winning résumé which makes me think about how we judge kids now based on high school wins like they are collecting stamps from different countries but really you need to see if they can handle pressure when everyone is watching them lose because that defines character better than any championship trophy or ribbon glued onto a certificate of participation. The comparison to his father Carlos Boozer makes sense since both have strong winning resumes but the difference is one played in Europe for years and never saw an NCAA tournament game which leads me into another story about my time working at Kwik Trip during Christmas rush when we sold out of cheese curds so fast people were throwing them like weapons before anyone stopped to think that heat could melt them faster than a referee blows his whistle.
The fact is Boozer matched up with Zuby Ejiofor and I do not know who Zuby is but the name sounds like something you would find in a phone book for someone who fixes phones or maybe it belongs to Blake’s cousin from Ohio who runs a landscaping business that cuts grass on Sundays until they get sick of walking so fast. Anyway the draft room looks at this matchup and sees if Boozer can handle pressure because leading the Devils back to the Final Four would be another notch in his belt like putting a dent into your car door while parking but not scratching it enough for insurance to cover repairs. But you cannot write him off as an option for number one pick which is weird because usually we get rid of options and keep only what works best instead of keeping all these backups around hoping they do something cool during overtime when the clock runs out like a ticking bomb that might explode or maybe just turn into confetti depending on who pulled the pin.
Now we must discuss Kingston Flemings from Houston which is a team I know nothing about other than having seen them play in basketball video games where graphics are good enough to make you think it looks real but then someone trips over their own shoelaces because they were wearing socks that do not fit properly so this makes me wonder if he will be the same person on Friday or just another guy who thinks he can handle a big game without sweating through his uniform like I did in 2018 during the winter tournament when I was standing there looking at players freezing their hands off while trying to dribble with thick gloves. He is an explosive downhill guard which sounds like something my nephew said about snowmobiles but also fits him as he has handled pressure and responsibility on a veteran team that lost in title game last year so you know they carry baggage around with them everywhere they go like luggage at airports where people lose things because the belts move too slowly or stop suddenly leaving everyone waiting for their bags to appear from behind some wall of silence.
The matchup against Illinois is huge because it pits Flemings against Keaton Wagler who also projects high in this draft so now we have a duel between two guards like having a fight over last spot at Kwik Trip before the line goes around to buy frozen custard where only one person can get served but both claim they were there first even though the clock on the wall says five minutes ago and neither of them knows how time works inside that store because everyone just stands there waiting for milkshakes. Wagler is tall at six foot six which means he has a height advantage like having legs longer than your average person’s arms so you can reach higher shelves but if someone tackles him or crowds his space then it looks bad especially since Emanuel Sharp will try to tackle the toughest assignment and crowd his space until everyone gets sweaty inside.
I am starting to feel dizzy thinking about this level of physical defense in a tournament where people are supposed to be having fun and not fighting over positions like they own the place which brings me back to why I have been doing this for twenty years because nothing makes sense anymore unless you accept that basketball is just chess played with feet while shouting at referees who do not know what position everyone stands on during halftime. The report says Wagler can enhance lineups significantly which means he fits anywhere like a square peg in a round hole if the person making him fit decides to hammer it down hard enough until something breaks but usually nothing breaks and instead they just keep pounding until someone gets angry about wasted time and resources so teams are betting on his upside being tied to how efficient he becomes as lead guard which is fine for some people who like efficiency in their lives while others prefer chaos that happens when you order a sandwich without specifying what kind of bread but then get confused why it tastes different than usual.
Then there is Nate Ament from Tennessee where the report says his case involves projecting several years out something NBA teams have become obsessed with since they started looking at future stars instead of current players which reminds me of my past take about how we all want to be young again but nobody wants to pay for it because you can buy a new car or a used one but not youth itself so why are scouts spending money on patience when they
One-Ry Out.