I’m done. I’m absolutely, unequivocally done with the soft takes, the lukewarm takes, and the “well, *statistically speaking*” garbage that passes for analysis these days. My phone is blowing up with “L” energy from every corner of the internet, my Triple-A betting column got cooked worse than a two-dollar steak last week, and I’m sitting here watching these so-called “experts” hand out Stanley Cups three years in advance like they’re participation trophies. I’m in a slump, and frankly, I’m PISSED.
But that ends today.
This isn’t some therapy session, this is a declaration of WAR against everything vanilla, everything safe, everything that makes you nod politely instead of throwing your phone across the room. I’m here to drop takes so hot they’ll melt the ice in your lukewarm corporate latte.
They say the NFL offseason is basically over. They say rosters are set. They say GMs are kicking back, sipping Mai Tais, and letting their interns scroll through Instagram.
I call BULL.
The offseason is NEVER over. It’s a 24/7, 365-day blood sport, and any GM who thinks they can just coast for a couple weeks before training camp is about to get COOKED. This is the last dance, the final frantic sprint before the real pressure hits. This is where you separate the dawgs from the dudes who just show up for the free lunch.
And I’m looking at some of these “suggestions” for teams’ final moves, and I’m seeing some serious L energy. It’s like these analysts are playing Madden on easy mode, just shuffling around a few pennies. We’re talking about BILLIONS of dollars, careers, legacies! You gotta choose violence!
Let’s dive into this “to-do list” and I’ll tell you why most of it is a soft-serve cone on a scorching day.
**AFC EAST: Where Aspirations Go to Die (Except Maybe One Team)**
**Buffalo Bills: Extend O’Cyrus Torrence.**
My guy, are we serious right now? “Keep their offensive line continuity”? This isn’t a bake sale, it’s the NFL. You know what continuity gets you when you’re facing Patrick Mahomes twice a year? Moral victories and another 13-second meltdown. The Bills window is WIDE OPEN, and you want them to spend cap space on a “far from the best guard in the league”? He’s 25th in pass block win rate. TWENTY-FIFTH. That’s not an extension, that’s a participation trophy for showing up. They need a game-wrecker. They need a *weapon*. Not a guy who’s “above average” in ESPN metrics. You know who cares about ESPN metrics? The guys who are too scared to say anything interesting. If I’m Brandon Beane, I’m not extending Torrence, I’m calling every single GM in the league and asking what it costs to get a true 2K 90+ rated defensive tackle or a WR who can actually separate. This isn’t a “final move,” it’s a final whimper.
**Miami Dolphins: Trade Jordyn Brooks.**
Okay, this one… this one actually has some teeth, but for all the wrong reasons. The source says, “Look, is there any point in the Dolphins keeping good players if their contracts end after the 2026 season? Brooks could possibly re-sign with Miami to be part of the rebuild. But he’s likely gone, so the Dolphins should get something for him.” REBUILD?! Are we still on this narrative after they just dropped a Brinks truck on Tua Tagovailoa? You don’t rebuild after paying your QB franchise money. You either GO FOR IT or you’ve officially cooked your franchise for the next half-decade.
Pete Carroll, who coached Brooks for years in Seattle, once called him “a tackling machine. He’s an extraordinary football player.” You don’t trade “extraordinary football players” when you’re trying to win NOW. You trade them when you’re actually blowing it up. The Dolphins are in NFL purgatory. They’re too good to tank, not good enough to win. Trading Brooks for future draft capital is just another way of saying, “We’re content being mediocre for the next three years while we figure out what we did with Tua.” If you’re trading Brooks, you better be trading Tua next. Otherwise, this is L energy so potent it should be bottled and sold.
**New England Patriots: Extend Christian Gonzalez.**
This is where I start losing my mind. “Gonzalez skipped OTAs a couple of weeks ago because he’s not pleased about being on a rookie deal while the contracts for veteran cornerbacks exploded.” Oh, REALLY? He’s “not pleased”? You know what I’m not pleased about? Watching the Patriots play offense last year. You know what I’m not pleased about? The idea of giving a guy with 11 games under his belt a market-setting extension just because he got his feelings hurt.
This kid has undeniable talent, I’ll give him that. But skipping OTAs? That’s not “him” energy, that’s “my agent told me to do this” energy. That’s a kid with no aura, letting the bag talk before he’s proven anything for a full season. I remember Jalen Ramsey, when he was looking for his big deal from the Jaguars, saying, “I just wanted to be appreciated for what I’ve done.” And Ramsey *had* done it. Gonzalez? He’s got flashes. You want to pay flashes?
The Patriots have a mountain of cap space. So what? That doesn’t mean you light it on fire for a guy who’s showing L energy this early in his career. Let him play out his rookie deal. If he stays healthy and balls out for two full seasons, then you break the bank. You don’t reward entitlement. You reward production. This is the kind of move that screams “soft rebuild” and “trying to make everyone happy,” which is how you end up 4-13.
**New York Jets: Sign Larry Ogunjobi.**
“Ogunjobi would make a good addition to help David Onyemata and Harrison Phillips.” I know what you’re about to type in the comments: “But Ryan, depth is important!” Yeah, depth is important when you’re a Super Bowl contender, not when you’re the J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS. The Jets are perpetually “one piece away.” One more veteran pass rusher. One more aging receiver. One more *anything* to finally push them over the hump. They’ve been doing this for decades!
Ogunjobi is a 32-year-old 3-4 end. He’s fine. He’s a guy. The Jets don’t need “a guy.” They need a MIRACLE. Or at least a GM with the dawg in him to make a move that isn’t just patching holes with duct tape. This is the definition of a lukewarm take for a team that needs a nuclear option. This is the kind of “analysis” that makes me want to throw my coffee at the TV when ESPN is on.
**AFC NORTH: Where the Real Football Lives**
**Baltimore Ravens: Extend Lamar Jackson.**
“Right now, Jackson is scheduled to have a cap hit of $84.3 million in 2027. That’s not going to happen. Jackson also isn’t going anywhere but Baltimore. Jackson doesn’t like to talk about his contract status, but it’s pretty clear that an extension of some sort is coming to solve the cap issue. The Ravens might as well get it done before the season begins.”
Okay, FINALLY, something that isn’t completely brain-dead. The source says “might as well get it done.” I say, if you haven’t done it yet, you’re already behind. This isn’t a “to-do list” item, this is a “you should have done this six months ago” item. Lamar Jackson is HIM. Period. He’s a former MVP, he’s got the keys to the offense, and he’s the reason that franchise is relevant every single year.
“I don’t really care about the contract right now. I just want to win with my guys,” Lamar Jackson has said repeatedly when asked about his deal. That’s the mentality of a leader. But it’s the GM’s job to protect that leader and the team’s future. The Ravens fumbled this once already, letting it drag out. Don’t do it again. Get it done. Lock him up. Then go find him a receiver who can actually catch the damn ball. This isn’t a bold move, it’s just basic competence, which is apparently a high bar in the NFL these days.
**Cincinnati Bengals: Sign Bobby Okereke.**
“Linebackers Demetrius Knight Jr. and Barrett Carter were not very good as rookies for the Bengals last season, and it’s a position where the team can definitely still upgrade. A lot of Bengals fans are interested in Bobby Wagner, but it’s hard to say how much he still has in the tank at age 36.”
Alright, let’s unpack this. The Bengals need an upgrade at linebacker. Agreed. But then we pivot to “Bobby Wagner might be too old.” TOO OLD?! This is the exact kind of soft analysis that drives me insane. Bobby Wagner is a first-ballot Hall of Famer. He’s still playing at a high level. He’s got the dawg in him that these young guys just don’t have. You know what 36-year-old Bobby Wagner brings to a locker room? Leadership. Experience. A championship mentality. A guy who’s seen it all and will absolutely light a fire under those “not very good as rookies” linebackers.
You know what Okereke brings? He’s fine. He’s solid. He’s… okay. He’s a 2K 78 overall, maybe. Wagner? He’s still a 2K 85 with an X-Factor ability called “Instincts.”
You’re telling me a team with a Super Bowl window, led by Joe Burrow, should pass on a living legend because of his age? This isn’t the Olympics, it’s football. Give me the guy who knows how to win, who sets the tone, who will smack some sense into the defense. “It’s hard to say how much he still has in the tank.” You know what’s hard to say? How much longer Joe Burrow will tolerate a defense that can’t stop a nosebleed. Give me Wagner. Give me the proven veteran. Give me the guy who still wants to choose violence every Sunday.
This whole “final moves” list feels like GMs are playing chess, but they’re only moving pawns. You’re either all-in, or you’re all-out. There’s no middle ground in this league. These are the moves that separate the contenders from the pretenders, the guys who are going to be playing deep into January from the guys who are booking tee times in December.
I know what you’re about to type in the comments. “But Ryan, the cap space! The long-term vision! The analytics!” Go ahead, @ me. Your favorite player’s agent is already drafting the response. “The salary cap is a myth,” Jon Gruden famously quipped. And sometimes, you gotta treat it like one if you want to win. You gotta pay the man. You gotta make the bold trade. You gotta sign the old dawg who still has something to prove.
This isn’t about being smart. It’s about being RUTHLESS. It’s about recognizing that the time to strike is NOW. This isn’t some quiet period before camp. This is the last chance to build a monster. The GMs who are making these lukewarm, “safe” moves are the ones who are going to be looking for new jobs in two years.
So tell me, which of these “final moves” makes you want to smash your keyboard in frustration, and which one actually has a glimmer of “him” energy?
