The heat in my office is rising again and I know it has nothing to do with the thermostat on the wall because my face feels like a boil that needs to be lanced by a scalpel right now here in Mukwonago where we sweat for our living but not this hard. You are tuning into The Ry-Guy who stands as an eternal sentinel of fairness and physical exertion over two decades long enough to make your knees shake when I blow the whistle at full volume on Friday nights under those lights that hum like angry bees above the sheet ice. I am wearing a striped shirt today but it is soaked through by the collarbone because apparently we are in some heatwave that defies all common sense while Wisconsin winters usually come with enough frost to kill you before breakfast time so where does this energy go when it should be freezing our toes off inside? Let me tell you about James Hagens and what he means for the Boston Bruins but first I need to mention something from my own past because continuity is a law of physics like gravity or how hard we hit each other during overtime drills at school. Remember the time I wrote about robot umps in MLB being an absolute failure? LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE I AM SWEATING THROUGH MY STRIPES ONCE AGAIN AND THIS IS NOT A DRILL! You are tuning into the voice of reason in a world gone mad and that is me standing on top of the table because gravity cannot hold me down when logic enters this building. My name is Ry-Guy and I am twenty years deep in the officiating trenches from Mukwonago where we know what sweat means before it even touches your skin because you have already wiped your forehead three times just waiting for a pitch to go over home plate at the local high school field. Now look at this Bruins news about Hagens signing an amateur tryout agreement with Providence AHL and tell me if that sounds like progress or something else entirely.
FOR THE LOVE OF SPOTTED COW! The air conditioning in my brain is short circuiting because I am looking at a nineteen-year-old kid who wants to sign pro now instead of finishing his college education right here where we value school but also know when the time comes for you to work or die trying so which one is it? Is he outgrown college hockey like that scout told ESPN in an interview that nobody really heard because I was busy watching a flagrant foul on my screen at home while holding a cheese curd box from Kwik Trip open with both hands. The kid is James Hagens and he scored 23 goals and 47 points for Boston College so you would think he belongs up there with the pros but why are they sending him down to Providence? Why send your brightest star to Rhode Island when you need a win on Saturday against the Red Wings who just beat someone hard enough that I felt it through my floorboards all night long in Mukwonago. This is where we start getting into stories because sometimes words fail us and only anecdotes can bridge the gap between confusion and understanding or maybe they cannot but I have to try anyway because silence is worse than screaming at a referee who thinks he knows better about offsides rules when you are standing three feet away holding your arms out in protest.
Let me take you back two years ago right here near Culver’s where my brother Blake was waiting for us after work and Michael-Vincent had just dropped off the car because he wanted to go home early but instead we ended up at this frozen custard place that has more sugar than a birthday cake inside of a nuclear reactor. I remember looking at Blake who is always asking questions about life while chewing on an onion ring with grease running down his chin and Michael-Vincent telling him stories about the time he got kicked out of high school for eating gum too loudly during class which was impossible to do but you know how we make things up in Wisconsin when there are no facts available. We talked about hockey because that is what men talk about while they eat frozen custard after a long day and Blake said something like why would anyone want to play pro if the ice keeps melting every time they skate across it? And I told him this was the truth of life for athletes who sign contracts without reading the fine print. Hagens wants to know his roadmap next season but how do you give directions when everyone is running in circles while screaming at each other about whether a shot went over the bar or not? The Bruins say they will evaluate day by day so that means every single morning he wakes up and asks if today is his big break because apparently luck has nothing to do with talent when it comes down to how much ice you cover on your skates.
I need to be brutally honest for a moment even though this hurts my heart more than taking off my helmet after thirty minutes of physical pain during the second overtime game against those kids from Pewaukee who always play dirty and never apologize because that is just their nature in life so let us say it clearly now. You are tired out there Hagens you look at me with those eyes that scream “I want to win” but I am telling you winning does not happen by signing a contract quickly like grabbing the last donut before they run out for sure. It happens when you stand on your feet even after falling down five times in one shift because hockey is about getting back up and wiping the blood off your forehead while keeping your eyes open to see where the puck goes next or maybe just stare at it as long as possible until it moves itself which never happens. The Bruins think he can contribute right away but I am telling you this sounds like a lie they tell themselves when they are in panic mode because playoff race is heating up and Boston sits on first spot wild card so every decision must be perfect or else we get knocked out into the cold water where no one wants to swim anyway. This logic does not add up for me right now as I sit here sweating through my shirt again with a headache that feels like someone hit me over the head repeatedly without stopping until my vision blurred and then cleared only to see numbers on screen flashing about player stats instead of facts or data anyone can use for anything meaningful in this game.
There was another time I wrote about Victor Wemby trying to claim MVP while standing tall above everyone else and how he made me want to cry into my striped pants because the pressure is too heavy one moment but then you forget all that when you see a kid like Hagens who plays for Team USA and won gold at World Juniors with only nineteen years on his face. You think of yourself as a young man in Milwaukee trying to find work or school and here this guy has already done more than most will do in their whole lives so why send him down? The scouts say he can add boost but the Bruins typically like prospects time minor league first before getting called up which means they believe patience is better than speed when you play professional games where mistakes cost millions of dollars. This makes sense to me until I think about my uncle Bob who worked at a factory for forty years and always said wait too long you lose your place in line so what do we choose here? Do we rush him up to NHL or do we let him skate around the AHL trying not to trip over his own feet while wearing boots made of expensive leather that squeak every time he stops suddenly on ice. I think about how many people would pay money just to see Blake play hockey even though he is terrible at it because everyone loves a loser when they try hard enough so maybe there is something romantic about the underdog who gets lost in Providence while Boston fights for their lives against other teams in Eastern Conference that are out of nowhere and ready to bite you on the ankles during the game if you look away for one single second.
I remember once we went to Kwik Trip together around midnight when I was younger because we wanted coffee but it turned into a burger run where Michael-Vincent ordered everything he could see on the menu while Blake tried to explain how computers worked using only hand signals that were very confusing and loud like someone trying to communicate with aliens without knowing their language. That night in Kwik Trip felt like an adventure because nothing made sense and yet we laughed for hours about nothing which is exactly what sports fans need when things get too serious or when they start crying over losses from games played three weeks ago by teams that no longer matter anymore but do to our wallets anyway so you must keep watching even though your heart hurts sometimes. Now think of Hagens at nineteen years old signing this tryout agreement and realize he is just like us standing in line for food hoping the cashier does not forget him while everyone else cuts ahead because they have money or status which we all want but rarely get when life hands out bad cards to people who deserve better than that so you scream inside your head about fairness and how it always seems one step away from being reached without ever actually touching us. The Bruins say Hagens was most focused on whatever would give him best chance of playing full 84-game NHL slate next season but I ask if this is even possible when the schedule looks like a maze designed by someone who hates players enough to make them walk through walls instead of doors so do we follow his focus or our own logic about what young men need before they stand on big stages in front of crowds that scream for blood and glory?
I am going back now to my past take where I wrote about the Tokyo Toe kicking prospect because this feels similar but worse. FOR THE LOVE OF A SPOTTED COW! I am sweating through this shirt again right here in my office in Mukwonago and it is only seventy-five degrees out because apparently heat of our collective American obsession with this Tokyo Toe kicking prospect has been radiating off screen like nuclear meltdown. Kansei Matsuzawa walks into your life as if he just stepped out from a vending machine at Kwik Trip where the soda fountain never works right so why do we accept anything else? Hagens is that boy who appears in our lives full of promise and talent but then gets told to go somewhere else for testing which feels like someone putting you through multiple rounds of drills without giving you water or a place to rest between each attempt. This logic baffles me completely because my brain does not compute why teams would send their best hope down while playing high stakes games at the top level where every single point counts towards winning championship trophies that no one really wants unless it is for bragging rights with neighbors who live in houses just like mine out here on Main Street. I see how they do things and I say wait a minute why does this make
One-Ry Out.