Listen up because there is sweat dripping off my nose right now that you can see even through this screen but don’t ask me why it’s happening inside the studio where we are supposed to be cool like a refrigerator freezer full of ice cream. I am Ry-Guy and I have been wearing these stripes for twenty years in Wisconsin so when I say something is hot then believe me because heat rises like smoke from a chimney that hasn’t been cleaned since 1985 and the air here tastes like diesel fuel mixed with burnt cheese curds which explains why we are talking about football players who run around for millions of dollars instead of working at the dairy farm where my grandfather grew up before he realized his hands were better suited for holding a beer than an ax. Now look I am going to talk about this NFL draft because it is happening and people are losing their minds over names like Fernando Mendoza and Jaylen Waddle which sounds like something you would order off a menu at Kwik Trip if they started selling fresh salads with extra protein but they don’t do that so we are stuck here talking about football players instead of just going for the burgers I love from Culver’s where the custard is frozen hard enough to chip your tooth on it. This is my spot now and this is what I say while Michael-Vincent sits next to me shaking his head because he thinks I am crazy again which is fair since we all know that when Michael starts talking logic then usually someone gets hurt or a play goes wrong in the end zone like a referee who forgot to blow the whistle before running into traffic.
Let us look at this mess starting with number one pick for the Raiders and Fernando Mendoza from Indiana because he scans fields like a lighthouse keeper looking for ships in fog but football is not water so why do we care about scanning fields when you need someone who can get under center without falling down because last season they were only doing that three percent of the time which sounds like some kind of math joke where I tell my buddy Blake to pay me back five dollars and he says well actually it’s four but I don’t accept any excuses now in 2025 we want quarterbacks who can read a defense without needing glasses because if you need reading lenses then why are you looking at the goal post instead of the ball which goes through rings not windows. The Raiders fixed up their offensive line with Tyler Linderbaum so maybe this Mendoza kid will finally stand under center and look like a man playing football rather than a boy pretending to be on an American flag in a parade where nobody knows why we are waving flags at people who aren’t even looking back because the truth is quarterbacks have changed from being men of action into data analysts for some reason I do not understand when Michael-Vincent told me about this trend last week while eating Culver’s chicken fries which were hot but he said it was cold inside his heart so we will see if Mendoza can bring warmth to Las Vegas where the sun beats down on your face like a referee blowing too hard into his whistle until you forget why you are sweating in the first place.
Now let us move to number two pick for New York Jets and David Bailey from Texas Tech because this guy had fourteen sacks last season which is good I suppose unless you want to know how many times he went out for a beer with me after work on Tuesday nights but wait that does not matter now only what matters is the defense needing help so bad they are looking at edge rushers like they are grocery items in Kwik Trip where you look between the eggs and find something that might be rotten. I remember back when Michael-Vincent worked as a referee with me we had to call games against teams that thought playing offense was optional unless there was food involved because people do things for money sometimes not just because it makes sense like why would you throw your helmet down if you are going to play football the next day but then I think about Blake who works at Kwik Trip and he tells me every day how much we need more eggs so I guess safety is in the egg carton or something similar. Bailey plays with a lightning quick first step which sounds like running from a snow plow that comes down your driveway too fast to stop because it hits you before you can get out of the way but at least this kid has speed and if he gets sacks then maybe we will not need to worry about Jets defense being ghosts playing on Sunday nights when nobody watches unless they are looking for something better like a movie where people run around faster than reality allows.
Arizona Cardinals taking Arvell Reese from Ohio State is confusing me because I do not understand hybrid positions which sounds like my cousin trying to build a fence but uses concrete instead of wood and then says it will hold up until next year when the frost comes down again so we see why this matters in sports now where people play linebacker and edge rusher at the same time unless they are just two different jobs on one body that is physically impossible because I watched my own back for twenty years and never felt like a hybrid player but rather someone who needs to know every rule by heart. Reese said he has not scratched the surface which means there is more potential underneath or maybe it means he was lazy in practice so we will find out soon enough if Ohio State produced another star or just another face I have seen before at a football game where you buy tickets but leave your wallet behind because that happens to me when Michael-Vincent talks about taxes. The point here is the Cardinals might be trying to fix something broken by adding more youth but what does youth mean in 2025 when my nephew is already twenty-one and tells me I am old enough for a discount at Culver’s so maybe Reese will win them over with length that nobody else has or arms that are longer than mine which would make sense because Michael-Vincent told me he never measured anyone properly until last year.
Tennessee Titans taking Sonny Styles from Ohio State is where the logic starts to break down for me because I have read this report and it says Styles had a vertical jump of 43½ inches but how does that translate on Sunday when you get hit by someone who weighs three hundred pounds unless he can fly over them like Superman or Batman which they are not in reality so why do we measure jumping ability? Maybe because the fans want to see athletes move fast and high because it looks good for television ratings but I just care about players knowing where to stand without stepping into a penalty box. Styles is instinctive and long at six-five with versatility that covers or blitzes as former safety which sounds like changing jobs halfway through your shift at Kwik Trip so you go from cashier to stock manager while still wearing the same uniform badge for some reason I do not understand but if he can tackle then let him try because tackles are important even in Wisconsin where we have snow banks higher than houses sometimes.
Now let us talk about New York Giants picking Caleb Downs as safety
One-Ry Out.