THE WHISTLE HAS BEEN BLOWN AND THE REFERENCE BOOK IS HEAVY IN MY HANDS SO I AM GOING TO TELL YOU HOW THIS WORKS BECAUSE MOST OF YOU ARE LOOKING AT YOUR PHONES WHILE THINKING ABOUT WHAT TO ORDER FOR DINNER WHICH SHOULD HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED BY NOW BUT HERE WE ARE.
I am sweating through my polo shirt as if the air in this Mukwonago home office is pressurized like a pressure cooker made of bad decisions and old sweat stains from games played back when the ice was real and not some synthetic slab that smells faintly of lavender disinfectant which I hate with every fiber of my being because it masks the smell of actual grass and snow. You asked for rankings on NHL prospects so we are going to do this right now while listening to Michael-Vincent argue about whether Blake is old enough to drive a car just outside the window but let us focus on the ice which is where matters happen in hockey even though I have been calling games there since 2004 and remember when they didn’t count every single offside as if it was murder because we knew better than that.
We need to talk about prospect pools and how thin they get like my bank account after a long weekend at the race track which is exactly why you are looking for these names on your fantasy team or maybe just so you can sound smart when ordering from Culver’s but honestly who asks what number of points an under-23 player has made last season unless that person wants to discuss their life choices.
STARTING WITH ANAHEIM AND THIS ONE GUY NAME ROGER MCQUEEN BECAUSE THE LIST SAYS SO BUT PEOPLE ALSO TALK ABOUT HAGEN WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY I AM HERE TO CONFIRM THAT WE NEED TO KEEP OUR HEADS ABOVE WATER WHILE LOOKING AT SKATING POSTURES.
Roger McQueen is six-five and the list says he has the skill of a first-line playmaker but in my experience playing at that size you spend half your time trying to not hit the goalie because if you fall down it counts as tripping which is what I was yelling about during a junior tournament last week when I called three infractions in one minute and nobody understood why they were all looking at each other with those faces like they were confused by their own existence.
McQueen attacks with wonderful skating posture according to the text you gave me but my eyes are still on the skates because that is where everything happens for a ref so I am not going to say he has bad feet unless I see him cross up his stick which would be funny and then everybody laughs at him like they did during the 2018 playoffs when someone fell over near the bench line. He throws hits on the forecheck but do not call it roughing because that is a different penalty entirely so we are safe there for now while discussing how he handles pucks through layers of defenders which reminds me of navigating traffic down to Kwik Trip where people never move out of my way even though I am wearing yellow and carrying a bag with enough caffeine in it to power the entire state capital.
THIS IS WHERE THE STORY GETS WILD AND IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HOW BOSTON SIGNED HIM TO AN AHL DEAL BUT THEY DID NOT TELL ME WHY YET BECAUSE THAT IS A SECRET GAME PLAN LIKE WHEN WE TRY TO CALCULATE IF BLAKE SHOULD EAT HIS DINNER BEFORE OR AFTER VIDEO GAMES.
James Hagens is the center for Boston and he plays at high pace which means his legs are moving faster than I can run after a penalty box timeout because those guys never stay in there when they think nobody is looking so we have to rely on this kid with his elite processing to make sense of it all before my head explodes from thinking about the geometry of a power play formation. He wins scoring titles but does he win hearts? That is what matters most in Wisconsin where you are loved if you score goals and not hated for making eye contact unless that person is an umpire who gave me bad calls during high school football games back when I still had hair on my chin.
Hagens has a shot that doubled his goal output which means he must have been shooting at the wrong net until now because scoring nothing used to be standard practice but now he is doubling goals and looking like a man with something to prove so we will watch him float through neutral zone traffic like I float down a hallway when trying not to wake up my wife who needs rest for her shift at the clinic tomorrow. He has defensive instincts which makes me worry about why players are always arguing during playoffs because they think calling offside saves them time but actually it just wastes everyone’s momentum so this kid Hagens better know where he is on the ice without asking his coach because I am not going to blow a whistle for him now that he is signed.
NOW WE MOVE TO BUFFALO AND RADIM MRTKA WHO IS SIX-FIVE BUT MAYBE THAT WAS A TYPING ERROR BECAUSE MARTONE APPEARS IN SOME PLACES WHERE DOCTORS WRITE DOWN PATIENT NAMES SO I AM CONFUSED ABOUT THIS LIST WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO YELL AT THE SCREEN LIKE FARLEY YELLS WHEN HE SEES A GOALIE STOPPING PUCKS WITH HIS NOSE.
Mrtka is right handed which sounds good because you like your food hot on the left side but this guy stands six-six and 216 pounds so he must eat a lot of butter burgers from Culver’s to stay up tall in that frame even though I am not sure how much cheese a man can consume before becoming too dense for skating. He moves around ice with his frame which means he pivots like my Uncle Mike used to pivot when trying to fit into the new car seats during road trips and everyone asked why we were driving so fast without knowing him but that is hockey where you need speed or you get left behind by a defenseman looking to make plays off retrievals.
This defenseman is going to be ready for 2027-28 which means I will be old enough to ask what happened in the playoffs of my youth if he does not make it sooner so we must keep an eye on him because his defensive floor is high and that is rare now days where everyone wants offense even when their defensemen are missing pucks like a kid trying to find his shoes at 6 AM. He helps Owen Power or Rasmus Dahlin move back to their natural side which sounds nice but I do not know if they have legs for it after the game ends so this Mrtka must carry them until then.
CALGARY HAS A PROBLEM WITH ZAYNE PAREKH BECAUSE THE LIST SAYS HE HAD A LOST SEASON WHICH IS WORSE THAN MY LAST ONE ON ICE WHEN I MISSED EVERY CALL BUT IT HAPPENS TO US ALL SO LET HIM TRY AGAIN AT AHL RANKING LEVELS WHERE THEY CAN LEARN HOW TO PLAY DEFENSE WITHOUT RUNNING INTO THE NET.
The Flames are mismanaging his development which is true because nobody wants to manage anything that involves pucks bouncing off their faces so they should just let him play in the minors where he can run power plays until he figures out what goalies do when you look at them for too long while standing near the blue line. He had 107 points in OHL which is a lot of numbers to
One-Ry Out.